How safe do you feel? July 15, 2008

I love this time of year!  One of my favorite things right now is to wake up to the sound of the birds outside.  They are so pretty - my husband and I laugh at ourselves because we really enjoy sitting and watching birds in our backyard; we feel like we are a little old couple.  In the last few years, we have had the opportunity to watch a type of bird called a killdeer lay and hatch their eggs in our yard.  I know this happens all over the place and in most backyards.  However, this particular mother bird has chosen for the last 2 years to lay her eggs about 5 inches off of our driveway right in our bark.  There is no actual nest or twigs even - just on top of the bark.  I have always thought this to be so interesting because it doesn’t appear to be a very safe place.  But for 2 years in a row, this is her choice spot.  I didn’t realize why she would do this until I walked up next to the eggs.  When she felt I was getting a little too close, this mother bird would hobble off about 3-4 feet and act as if she was hurt and squak and squak to take all the attention away from her baby eggs.  WIthout fail, this mother bird would do that each time in hopes that we would not notice her babies.  I have never seen a bird do such a thing!  She is so committed to her “duty” to protect her eggs that she would do all she could to accomplish her task.  She is very good at it too!

With my psychological background, I often try to find links and comparisons to things I observe and make sense of them in my own experience.  As I watched this mother bird create safety for her young eggs over and over again, it made me think about the times that I have felt the safest.  Not in terms of physcial safety, but emotional safety; safe to express my emotions to others, safe to be myself, safe to explore new medical procedures…

Ask yourself how you can create more emotional safety in your life this week.  It may be through your spouse or a friend.  It may be through building greater confidence in yourself.  As cheezy as it sounds to say this, “go be your own mother bird - no matter the cost!”

Rabbit Holes June 30, 2008

I had an interesting conversation the other day and wanted to share with you some of my thoughts about it.  A friend and I were talking about taking the next step in this infertility process and something that was said made me think of Alice in Wonderland.  I started to think about what made Alice decide to take the step into the rabbit’s hole.  What was it that made her feel that she could do that?  Was it curiosity?  Foolishness?  Courage? or Determination?  I began to think about what it takes for people to move forward with their desires in all aspects of life.  Sometimes we can become so blinded by fear and its consequences that we literally lose the faith in ourselves to move forward with what we truly want.  I am giving you the challenge to face your own rabbit this week.  But more importantly, determine why you are going to go down that hole and what emotion is driving you into it.  Think like Alice for a change.

What time is it? June 10, 2008

Hello everybody! We are back from our Africa adventure!  We were able to see 3 different countries and at least 20 different types of animals.  I feel very fortunate to have gone and am so glad that we made the decision to go.  It is funny how at the time of a major decision, that we often get so wrapped up in the immediate emotions surrounding the decion and don’t take the time to reflect on what the decision could mean later on.  Some of my time in Africa made me think about my entry on priorities I wrote earlier.  It really is essential that we make people our priority and not things.

I also wanted to talk this entry about the relevance of time.  Each time I take time to travel, I notice that while gone, I catch myself saying, “what time is it? or what day is it?”  I couldn’t believe how many times that ran through my mind.  Yet when I am doing the usual routine of the day, I am so crunched for time and time plays a huge role in my entire day!  Why is that?  If time really doesn’t matter as I find again and again, and we all have 24 hours in the day - why then is so much emphasis placed on time?  Time exists whether we want it to or not. 

My simple message to you all this time is to purposely enjoy your minutes and hours of the day.  Lose yourself sometimes in that minute or hour.  It is fascinating to me what a difference it makes in my attitude and mood.  Good Luck!

PURPOSE May 5, 2008

I have been working on this program for the last year or so and have been sharing it with others for quite some time and therefore, really wanted to share it with all of you.  It is a program called, “PURPOSE.”  I have desgined it to cover the most difficult and most talked about areas of infertility.  I have focused it on allowing those struggling with infertility to be able to reach out of a typical medical and internal way of looking at infertility and just being honest about it and how it impacts our lives.

Here is the basic description of the program without going into great detail:

P -paradigm: changing the way you feel about infertility by changing your thoughts first

U - understand: understanding the basic gender differences between men and women

R - random: capturing the random nature of infertility and how to cope when it is you that is dealing with it

P - perspective: looking at things differently even if at first you don’t agree

O - opportunity: what other opporunities for parenting and procedures are there? What are other options?

S - self-esteem: the social and emotional side to infertility

E - endurance: duration, patience, hope and faith.  All the words we typically shun but when used, can bring such a unique and fulfilling experience and outlook to your life.  This is why we discuss this section last.

I love this program that I have developed and am so excited to share it with all of you!  I would love any feedback on any of these areas from your own perspective and experience.

 

The Female Brain April 22, 2008

I recently had the opportunity to do another podcast show with Dr. Paul.  On the show we discussed a book called “The Female Brain” by Dr. Louann Brizendine.  I fell in love with this book about a year ago and think that this book contains important and helpful information for both men and women.  Enjoy the show!

 

Doin’ your own thing! April 11, 2008

I have recently read a news article that was given on www.yahoosports.com on the MLB section about a pilot who was described as a ”real life Maverick.”  For those of you who have seen “Top Gun” as much as I have over the years, the article caught my attention.  Who doesn’t remember the line, “Negative ghost rider, the pattern is full” and the flyover that happened next. Yesterday, a Vermont air guard pilot decided to do a flyover of Fenway Park during opening ceremonies.  I thought about this pilot and wondered what he might have been thinking.  My first thought was, “he must just have wanted to do his own thing for some reason unknown to others.”  Obviously, he knew people wouldn’t agree and that some people would be completely offended and disappointed by his choice but still, he chose to do it anyway.  Now of course, I don’t know what he was thinking for sure but the principle behind it made me think.

How many of us choose to do our own thing even though others may disapprove or not understand? So many doubts come to mind when we include others in our decision making process.  Whether our decision is what to do or not do that day or what to say to someone or not; how much are you influenced by others perceptions of you?

I was really thinking about how important it is to trust yourself and do what is best for you and your family first.  Whether other people agree or disagree with our choices about the next procedure, waiting or taking a break, talking or not talking about it or even using alternative medicine, we can and need to trust ourselves first.  It really is okay to do your own thing sometimes; as long as it isn’t flying over closed air space

Infertility priorities? March 29, 2008

A while ago, my husband and I were having a conversation about what the next step in our process could be.  (Notice that I said could and not should.)  We have gone back and forth in our decisions about the next step for many months now, which  is a very natural part of this process by the way.  We decided that the next step would be a major medical procedure this summer.

In the meantime, we had some really good friends of ours that are also struggling with infertility call us a few weeks ago and tell us that they were going to Africa and asked us if we wanted to go with them.  I, of course, jumped at the chance!  Africa!  That is on my “want to go sometime in my life” list.  My husband, however, the ever intellecutal realist (which I love and need) was a little more hesitant.

Is Africa really a priority when we have this procedure coming up soon?  My selfish side just really wanted to go no matter what and therefore, I struggled with this in my thinking and feeling.  I felt torn between another medical procedure we were planning and going on this trip with my husband and friends.  The priorities came down to this: what do I let happen to me and what do I make happen?  Did I have to choose one or the other options that were coming up?

After my husband and I talked for awhile about our priorities, we really found that the root priority for both of us was not different at all!  What we really wanted was to have eachother be as happy as we could be.  It wasn’t about external options.  So, why am I talking about this in this entry?  No matter where you are in this infertility process, our priorities can be the same.  I want to challenge you to make your number one priority be your spouse.   Ask yourself daily, “do I really know how they are doing emotionally today? do they need a break? a trip? are they ready for the next procedure?”

Our ability to predict when to have our family might be unknown but we can create the happiness in our marriages by choosing to have our spouses be our number one priority. 

Building Lasting Self Esteem March 25, 2008

Hey everybody!  I wanted you to check out this interview that I did with Dr. Paul last fall.  He just let me know that this has been the most popular download on his podcast.  Check it out and let me know what you think!

 

You can also check out the other shows he has done at www.liveonpurposeradio.com

Yikes! Decision-making March 14, 2008

Recently, I have met with a number of couples that are struggling in their marriage for one reason or another.  There seemed to be one major theme in common for each couple however; making some kind of a decision.  Because of that, I have been thinking a lot about decisions.  In my own experience, it has been really difficult for me to decide what the next step is on our infertility journey.  I have learned a remarkable decision making tool from a dear friend and colleague of mine named Paul Jenkins.  In order to understand how difficult it is to make a decision, it is critical to understand what the word actually means.  He has taught that the word “cision” means “to cut” and depending on the prefix, the word changes.  For example, an “in-cision” means “to cut into.”  An “ex-cision” means “to cut out.”  And listen up now…a “de-cision” means “to cut off.” 

To cut off… think about that.  Is it any wonder why most of us struggle making decisions?  We are literally cutting off another option or choice!  For example, if I choose an apple, that really means I am choosing not to have an orange or a banana.  I know fertility decisions are much more critical and costly than what fruit to eat.  However, the same principle exists.  For example, in choosing adoption - does that mean I “cut off” the option of ever having biological children?

Maybe for that moment, it might seem like that.  However, this isn’t truth.  What if the decision was about how to react to the pain or anguish you are experiencing?  Could you decide to have happiness and joy over pain and sorrow?  Suddenly, decisions seem much more pleasant don’t they?

My challenge - make a “de-cision” today and every day with the recognition that you are cutting off an option and ask yourself what that decision is giving you instead!  Good luck!

By the way, if you would like to learn more tools from my friend Paul Jenkins you can visit his weekly podcast show at www.liveonpurposeradio.com.

Fear & Anxiety February 23, 2008

In my experience in working with couples and individuals, the most common emotion faced by most is anxiety.  Basically, anxiety is a feeling of a lack of control.  I really like a definition by author Louann Brizendine in her book “The Female Brain.” She states that “anxiety is a state that occurs when stress of fear triggers the amygdala (the instinct core of the brain), causing the brain to rally all its conscious attention to the threat at hand.”  The threat at hand for couples with infertility is most often, “what if we can’t ever have children?” or “what do we do now?”

Although anxiety is very uncomfortable for most of us to experience - it is actually one emotion that is also easily coped with.  Here are 3 steps that will help ease that discomfort:

1.  You must first recognize and acknowledge the obvious yet unsettling truth that you are actually not in control of all things in your life.

2.  Next, ask yourself what you are in control of and start making a visual list so you can see you still do have some control: how you feel, what you say, who you ask for help/support, what you think, what your next step is?

3.  Do something different with your new knowledge!  Start acting upon what you can control and work toward not dwelling on what you are not in control of.

I know these aren’t easy to do right in the darkest moments but I also know THEY DO WORK!  Start with #1 and keep going!